By: Yuliia Kovalova, family mediator, conflict coach in divorces involving children, expert on Parental Alienation Syndrome.
Divorce is always a complex and painful process with lasting consequences, especially when children become victims of loyalty conflicts or alienation from one parent. In such situations, numerous negative emotions, fears, and distrust often arise between the former spouses. As a result, parents may find themselves unable to interact constructively and without conflict. In these cases, mediation support and conflict coaching become essential tools for reducing stress levels and ensuring the well-being of the children.
Conflict Coaching in Divorce: Necessity and Goal
The primary goal of conflict coaching in the context of divorce is to help parents find ways to interact that minimize the negative impact of conflict on their children. Often, parents are so overwhelmed by their emotions and fears that they are unable to cope with the situation on their own. Coaching in this context helps them become aware of their feelings, reflect on them, and learn to manage them constructively.
Coaching also aims to develop effective communication skills in parents, which is particularly important when there is a need to make joint decisions regarding the upbringing of children. In situations where parents are in conflict, these skills become critically important for maintaining and strengthening relationships with their children.
The Role of the Mediator in the Process
The mediator plays a key role in the coaching process. Their task is to help both parties overcome emotional barriers and fears by creating a safe space for communication. The mediator acts as a neutral party, not taking sides, and their goal is to support both parties in finding solutions that are in the best interests of the child.
The mediator’s role is particularly crucial in cases where parents are unable to communicate effectively with each other. Here, tools like negotiation letters come into play. Negotiation letters are a form of communication where each letter is crafted with consideration of the possible emotional reactions of the other party, which helps to reduce aggression and create conditions for dialogue. These letters help avoid escalating conflicts and can serve as a foundation for gradually rebuilding trust.
Mediation: A Path to Cooperation
Mediation is a process in which the parties, with the support of a mediator, work towards reaching an agreement. In the context of divorce involving children, mediation helps former spouses find compromise solutions regarding parenting and custody. The main advantage of mediation is that it is future-oriented, allowing parents to focus on the needs of their children rather than past grievances.
It is important to note that mediation and conflict coaching are closely related. Conflict coaching helps parents prepare for mediation and become aware of their emotions and goals, which makes the negotiation process more effective. Mediation, in turn, creates the conditions for achieving these goals by helping parents reach mutual understanding and cooperation.
Challenges in Conflict Coaching and Mediation
One of the biggest challenges in the divorce process is the perception of each other as “unreasonable” or “uncooperative.” Often, both partners believe that their counterparts are incapable of reasonable negotiations, leading them to prefer resolving issues through legal processes. However, it is important to understand that the legal field cannot always resolve a conflict whose roots are deeply psychological.
In such situations, legal battles can only exacerbate the conflict, leading to further escalation and increased trauma for all participants, especially for the children. Conflict coaching and mediation aim to address these psychological aspects. The mediator helps the parties to see the true causes of the conflict, often hidden behind emotions, and guides them towards mutual understanding.
Parents need to realize that conflicts that seem insurmountable can be resolved with the help of professional mediation. Conflict coaching helps the parties work through their emotional barriers, and mediation creates the conditions for constructive dialogue. Together, these methods help reduce tension and find solutions that benefit the children and the entire family.
A Positive Example: Sergei’s Story
One successful example of conflict coaching and mediation is the case of Sergei. Sergei faced a problem familiar to many parents living apart: his ex-wife was preventing him from communicating with their children. Living in another country, Sergei had no way to fulfill his role as a father other than paying child support. This situation led to significant alienation from his children, and Sergei was on the verge of despair.
However, with the help of a conflict coach, Sergei was able to deeply reflect on his experiences and the emotions that prevented him from starting the journey toward reconnecting with his children. This stage was critically important as it allowed him to recognize and process his fears, grievances, and helplessness, forming the foundation for future actions.
The next step was drafting negotiation letters, which were sent to his ex-wife, inviting her to participate in mediation. Although the children’s mother initially did not respond to this invitation due to distrust, positive changes eventually occurred. The restriction on communication with the children was eased, allowing Sergei to reconnect with his eldest son. Starting with phone conversations, father and son gradually built a trusting relationship.
This success inspired Sergei to take further steps. With the involvement of a mediator and behind-the-scenes consultant, conditions were created to gradually establish communication with his younger daughter as well. The children’s mother was persuaded to unblock the father from the blacklist and arrange calls, which became an important step toward restoring full communication.
Now, Sergei is successfully embracing parenting from a distance. In today’s world, where technology allows for emotional closeness through the internet, this has become a real salvation for families separated by distance. The closeness and trust that Sergei has been able to build with his children not only helps them in their development but also strengthens family ties despite challenging circumstances. This example demonstrates how conflict coaching and mediation can be the key to resolving even the most seemingly hopeless situations.
Conclusion
Mediation support and conflict coaching play a crucial role in the divorce process, especially when children are involved. These methods not only help reduce tension and find compromises but also contribute to the emotional well-being of all participants. Examples like Sergei’s story show that even in the most difficult situations, with the desire and professional support, positive changes can be achieved, and relationships with children can be restored. Conflict coaching and mediation do more than just solve problems; they create a foundation for healthy communication and interaction that will support and nurture the family in the future.
Published by: Holy Minoza
